All you need is love

By Alison Patton | Published: April 25, 2010

Having a bad day? Watch this video.

Sometimes we can’t see the bigger picture when we’re in the middle of a crisis like divorce. I love this video because it reminds us that even when we feel the most alone, the whole world is out there waiting for us to rejoin it when we are ready.

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In Times of Great Pain

By Alison Patton | Published: February 24, 2010

Today I write with a heavy heart, because two persons I love very much are separating. They have three young children and feel as if their world has imploded. Every time I think about them, I feel a profound sadness wash over me as if for a brief moment I am living their lives.

It is at moments like this that I feel the deepest connection with all of you going through a divorce. Yes, I write about it, I think about it, it is my daily work. Yet, still, there is a separateness when I am in my head. All of a sudden, upon getting that phone call from these two people I love so much, I am fully in my heart. I feel the pain and loss and terrible grief that overwhelms them, these same feelings that have probably overwhelmed you as well.

I know what you are going through and how awful it can be, but the best way I can help is not to join you in your pain but to tell you what good can come of this. In the words of David Whyte, there is an “internal dismemberment” that each of us has to go through at some point in our life – to change, to grow and to move on to a new stage of life. You are “clearing out of your own way” to make space for what’s to come. It is precisely when you are in this place where you don’t have control and feel the most vulnerable that you are most yourself.

What I want to say to you and my two beloved friends is this: This is not a place of weakness. This is your chance to examine yourself and find what’s truly important for your own life. In times of great pain, there is always great opportunity… so as much as you can, accept the process, go into it and learn what you are there to learn.

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A day of inspiration with David Whyte

By Alison Patton | Published: January 23, 2010

Today I attended an all-day lecture by author and poet David Whyte, at the new La Jolla Yoga Center.  David Whyte was amazing.  I’d never heard him speak before, never even read one of his poems.  I went only because the owner of LJ Yoga Center, Jeanie Carlstead, recommended him on her website and I felt drawn to go to this lecture in some way I can’t explain (which is kind of strange because David Whyte’s big thing is poetry and I must confess poetry was never my thing in high school or college).

So I’m sitting there with my husband (whom I dragged along), surrounded by a lot of very spiritual looking people, many of whom are obviously quite limber too.  (There was an area for sitting on yoga mats in the back).   Here’s the funny part:  David Whyte started the lecture by reading a beautiful poem.  It was fantastic, and clearly there was some very deep, profound message it was conveying….but I had no idea what most of it meant.  I looked around and there were people with their eyes closed, nodding.  A few rows to my right, there was a man who looked like Obi-Wan Kenobe from Star Wars—he was transfixed by the poem and emanating the energy of the very wise and enlightened.  I was still lost.   I was having flashbacks to that English Lit. class in college when I had no idea what the author meant.

Finally, after a lot of mental scrambling and a moment or two of inner panic, I relaxed and started to absorb the greatness that is David Whyte.  And I don’t say that lightly.  He is incredible.  He has a marvelous English accent.  His intellect, vocabulary and use of language are extraordinary.   The entire day was one gem of wisdom after another.   The lecture was a mix of stories, personal insights, truths and poems.  The themes he covered were about mid-life, the challenging life issues everyone faces as we get older, about marriage, divorce, parenting, and the personal inner struggles everyone goes through in their life.  There was so much he talked about which applies to people going through divorce.

An added bonus was that he explained the poems in a way that you GET IT.  Yes, at 44 years of age, I finally understand the power of poetry, thanks to David Whyte.  (The secret is it should be read aloud and have someone explain the context and why the poet wrote it to make the poem come alive).

So the wisdom of the day is:  Go read or listen to David Whyte! Although he is not specifically talking about divorce, the themes of loss and how to navigate our lives during rough times are powerful stuff that will get you jump-started on your inner journey as you go through your divorce.

I bought a bunch of his stuff at the lecture, but found that everything is available on Amazon.com.   I recommend his audio CD, “The Three Marriages:  Work, Self and Other.”   His other audio CD I bought is “Midlife and the Great Unknown.”   I’m going to buy his book of poetry called River Flow.

By the way, for those out there who don’t like the word “God,” he’s your man. He’s clearly a spiritual person, but the entire day he used the word “God” only once, I think.

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My Mission

By Alison Patton | Published: January 1, 2010

Welcome to my blog – The Story of the Divorce Doc

Probably the best way to start this blog is to go back to the beginning….

During the time I was creating the Divorce Doc concept, I sat down with a best friend to hash over my vision. I explained to her what I was putting together, what my goals were. I told her how I wanted to make a difference in the lives of people going through divorce, how I wanted to share with others what I’ve learned as an attorney in the divorce business. When I finally finished talking, she was quiet for a moment, then said, “I get it. You want to be the Marianne Williamson or the Deepak Chopra of divorce.”

My first reaction was to laugh, because I am just a regular person, not famous or rich, not brilliantly spiritual or exceptionally enlightened. But then as I thought about it a little more, I realized my friend nailed it on the head. Yes, if I had to choose one sentence to sum up my mission, her sentence does the trick. My mission is to bring some inspiration, hope and insightful discussion to people going through one of life’s most difficult and painful transitions. I also want to provide education, concrete advice and practical tools to help people get through their divorce constructively. All these things are essential, not just one without the other.

How I came to this juncture in life is this: I am a divorce lawyer and mediator by profession, I’m married and have children, I am the child of divorced parents. Personally and professionally, I’ve witnessed the pain and trauma families go through. And I – like many others -think our legal system is too expensive, takes way too long, and is overly complicated.

I believe divorce is a holistic process that must be addressed from all angles– legal, emotional, logistical and spiritual—because divorce brings up and challenges all these parts of us. (I do not belong to any particular religious group and I use the word “spiritual” in a non-denominational sense—sort of like AA and other twelve-step programs do).

So it is with this goal in mind that I created my mission as the Divorce Doc. Through my Divorce Doc workshops, private work with clients, and this blog, I hope to provide a valuable resource for anyone going through divorce. Hopefully, with many like-minded people working for this common goal, we can make the path of divorce a little bit easier. I am officially signing on to do my part.

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