The Mouse In My House

By Alison Patton | Published: March 31, 2013

We have four cats—all hunters who, despite the bell we affix to their collars, regularly bring us catches from the canyon:  mice, rats, birds, lizards, even an occasional baby rabbit and King snake.  As early as six-years old, my kids became adept at either rescuing a still-live animal from the cat’s mouth (which they’d release back into the canyon), or putting a plastic bag over their hand to pick up and dispose of the ones that didn’t make it.

So you can imagine our surprise to discover that we have a mouse who has taken up residence in our house.  We’ve never actually seen this mouse, but we know he’s here somewhere.  Our theory is one of the cats brought him in through the cat door when we were gone,  realized there was no one here to see his prize – then either lost interest or lost hold of the mouse. We’ve named him Supermouse, which seems fitting for a rodent who has successfully evaded four cats for three months.

We first discovered his presence in late January when we returned from a weekend away.  My son had a bag of chocolate coins in his room.  We found the net bag torn open, gold foil and bits of chocolate all over his desk, and a trail of mouse poop on the floor.  Quite a lot of mouse poop in fact.   He’d clearly had a feast in our absence.

Next he moved to the kitchen and for weeks we found bits of food and droppings behind various appliances and shelves—first behind the microwave, then the toaster oven, then the phone and stack of papers, eventually under the cereal shelf, and it continued along these lines week after week.  At first we were horrified, then became gradually desensitized…. to the point that we now just wipe it up, disinfect the area, and carry on with whatever we were doing before we discovered the mess.

I have become quite philosophical about this mouse, not caring whether he stays… in part because life is just too busy to worry about a mouse, and partly because his presence has reminded me of something my mom said to me years ago.  My mother, who is a deeply spiritual person of no specific denomination, explained God to me like this, when I was growing up:

I would ask: “Mom, how do you know there is a God? What makes you believe as strongly as you do that there’s a higher power out there?”

She would say,“Alison, it’s like having a mouse in your house.  You will never actually see it, but you will know it’s there because the cheese keeps disappearing.  God gives you little clues that He is there.  I’ve had it happen time and time again in my life.  At times when I needed guidance or inspiration, when I needed something or someone to come along and provide friendship or support or love or help, at my lowest times, when my mother died, when I was going through my divorce, when I was worried about one of my children or the future – the cheese would go missing – something would happen that was just too much to be coincidence, little clues that God was out there and I should have faith, that I am in His hands.  Sometimes it would be a friend showing up or a person coming into my life right when I needed them.  Sometimes it was an act of kindness.  Sometimes it was a book or cassette tape I found at just the right moment with the wisdom I needed.  Sometimes it was a random conversation with a stranger, or discovering an old card or letter that had something written on it that could have been intended for my current situation. There was always a clue when I most needed it. “

Childhood was so carefree for me that I didn’t really understand my mother’s message until I entered adulthood and began life outside of my mother’s house.  I started to look for the missing cheese during times of sadness or when I was unsure or challenged by life.

I’ve been fortunate to have relatively few crises in my life, but what I’ve realized is we all have unavoidable struggles that are just a part of living through each stage of life.

  • In my 20′s, there were a few romantic break-ups and disappointments, the death of a friend in a freak accident, confusion about what direction to go professionally, getting through law school, and finally the challenge of starting a law practice.
  • In my 30′s, it was about marriage, pregnancy and babies, moving to a new city, having to make new friends and missing my family and former professional life as I worked to establish a new self-identity as a mother and wife.   The loss of two beloved pets.
  • In my 40′s, it has been losing elderly relatives and friends, the intensity and demands of raising children, juggling work and family, the mid-life realization that I and my parents (and everyone around me, including my kids) are getting older and life is moving faster than I’d like, the sad betrayal of a close friend, witnessing malicious politics at our children’s school, and dealing with a pesky health issue.

Through my dark nights of the soul over the past thirty years, the pattern has been the same.  I would feel more and more lost and start to wonder if I’d been kidding myself all along and there’s nothing out there.  And then something would happen— the cheese would disappear.   I’d get a clue, sometimes large, sometimes small, just like my mother described, which would carry me spiritually and give me the strength I needed to regain my inner footing.

This has been a particularly hard couple of months for me, which is why I haven’t been blogging.   I’ve been waiting for a message, a clue that everything will be okay.  It finally smacked me in the face today—there couldn’t be a clearer message than my mouse in the house.  How could I have missed it? –this  literal reminder of my mother’s unswerving faith in life and God.

This mouse gives me the most hope of all.  It has evaded the cats, defied all odds, and has been leaving me clues—mostly in the form of shit.  So I just have to laugh and see the incredible irony in it all.  I’ve got some shit in my life right now, that’s for sure.  And it’s quite clear that God is telling me through all this shit—big and small –to keep the faith.

To everyone — Happy Easter, Happy Passover, Chag Sameach.

(P.S.  I am leaving the patio doors open so Supermouse can make a run for it.)

 

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Happy Thanksgiving, and as we officially launch the holiday season . . .

By Alison Patton | Published: November 22, 2012

I am reminded of a quote by Matt Groening (creator of The Simpsons):

“Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.”

(And this applies whether you’re married, separated, divorced or single.)

Good luck and hang in there!

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“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” (My advice: try mediation first)

By Alison Patton | Published: October 2, 2012

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Feed the Love, Starve the Anger

By Alison Patton | Published: May 3, 2012


(photo by Anant N S)

You never know where you’re going to get the next piece of wisdom. Yesterday my son and I were at Trader Joe’s grocery store, enjoying a quick morning chat with a store employee named Wendy who runs the sample station. Wendy is one of those persons who knows how to talk to kids and really listens. We’ve become quite attached to her after shopping at this store and exchanging conversation multiple times. On this particular morning, my son was sharing some thoughts about what he liked and didn’t like about his recent 6th grade camp experience, and this was Wendy’s response:

(I am doing this from memory, so may not be exactly word for word what she said)
“My uncle told me when I was your age that the secret to a happy life is ‘feed the love, starve the anger.’ Focus on all the good things that happened at camp and let go of the rest. Don’t think about the bad stuff, don’t dwell on it, think about the things you liked, what made you happy. If you do this kind of thing all your life, you’ll be a happier person.”

I joined the conversation at this point. And Wendy shared how she and her ex-husband were mad at each other for a while after their divorce, but they decided at some point it was time to “feed the love and starve the anger.” She said they both started thinking about all the good times, made a decision to stop replaying in their heads all the fighting and everything that didn’t work. They’ve gradually developed a friendly relationship, something that happened after she “forced herself” to focus on the good.

Wow, I wish I could take this lady home and keep her around. And she should speak at my divorce seminars.

It’s really that simple, isn’t it. Feed the love, starve the anger. And yet it’s so hard to do in life, particularly in a divorce.

I’ve been walking around the past 24 hours with this on my mind, and every time a negative thought comes into my head, I think, “Starve it and think about something positive.” I’m noticing that my mind is like a young, untrained child, not able to focus for very long. It wants so badly to go back to worrying and thinking about negative stuff—stuff I can’t even change! I laugh at myself, thinking how I’m supposed to be an inspirational writer and here I can’t even take my own advice.

Wherever you are today in your process, just start running that line through your head. I’m going to keep trying. And let’s see what happens.

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The Pursuit of Happiness

By Alison Patton | Published: March 1, 2012

I just finished The Happiness Project, a book by Gretchen Rubin based on her year-long project to make her life happier. It was a good read with tips I’m going to integrate into my own life. When this book came out in 2009, book clubs started their own happiness projects based on Rubin’s formula. As with most things trendy, I’m a little late in the game, but fortunately the steps from her book can be started anytime.

Taking some of Rubin’s key points and applying them to marriage and divorce, this is what I’ve come up with:

1. Instead of asking, “Does my boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse make me happy?” or thinking “I’d be happy if I were in a relationship,” we should be asking ourselves whether we are pursuing in our personal life the proven factors that bring about happiness. One thing I’ve learned from Rubin’s Happiness Project is that finding happiness requires effort and a daily commitment. It’s a lot easier to be unhappy– that doesn’t take any work. To make yourself consistently happy—that’s almost like a full-time job. My first thought is, “I don’t have time for all this.” But if I want to be happier, I guess I better make the time.

2. If I were going through a divorce, I would use this time for some real reflection on what is missing in my life and what would make me happier. Take an inventory of what you are doing with your time, whether you are pursuing activities that lead to personal satisfaction and fulfillment, and if not, figure out what small steps you could take to get started. Also figure out what will ultimately bring you long-term happiness. Divorce is naturally a time to open some new doors as old ones close, so why not open ones that lead you to where you want to be in 2, 3, 5 years….

3. If you are still married but contemplating divorce, take a good look at what you expect from married life and what you expect to find in single life. Ask yourself: Am I blaming too much of my marital unhappiness on my spouse? Is it truly my spouse who hinders my ability to pursue these happiness factors, or merely the circumstances of family life? Will getting divorced really make me happier in the long run, or are there changes I can make within the marriage that will accomplish what I need to be happier? These questions are particularly important to answer when you have children together. You are stuck with your ex for a long time, married or not, when you have kids.

4. Likewise, I would ask similar questions when thinking about getting re-married. Am I expecting too much of my new mate, which is going to doom this relationship to fail? Will marrying this person increase these happiness factors and allow me the time to pursue them in a supportive environment? Or will getting re-married merely complicate this?

5. Last, I think it’s important to add a reality check to this happiness discussion. It is frankly somewhat unrealistic to expect yourself to be happy when you are in the middle of a divorce. Divorce–even when for the right reasons–is a time of enormous change and upheaval. It is like a death and involves the same grief and healing process. I’ve never had a client who was “happy” during their divorce, and for most of them it took a year or two to regain their emotional footing.

Yes, use the time of your divorce to figure out what will make you happy in the future so you can begin to sow the seeds now, but the reality is that you are in the winter of your life and spring isn’t here just yet.

Putting pressure on yourself to be happy isn’t going to change the difficulty of this time. I wish our lives were as easy as painting an old house–and we could just put a fresh coat of paint over the old paint and start anew.

Instead, there’s a lot of emotional and spiritual clutter that has to be sorted through, such as examining what went wrong and learning from your mistakes and accepting that you married someone who is now hurting you and may have betrayed you. Allow yourself to grieve and feel sadness before you try to jump back into the pursuit of happiness. No one likes this advice and it’s no fun, but think of it this way: you’ve got to pull out the weeds before you can plant your new garden.

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Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

By Alison Patton | Published: January 3, 2012

Very inspirational and thought-provoking – a good way to start a new year with a new vision.

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Surviving the Holidays

By Alison Patton | Published: November 12, 2011

photo by Theresa Thompson


(This blog post ran in 2010. I’m posting it again this holiday season due to positive feedback from readers last year. If this is your first holiday season separated/ divorced, don’t lose heart. You can do it! Read on!)

The child in me will always love the holidays. I take such pleasure in traditions–hanging our outdoor lights, getting the tree, retrieving the Christmas boxes from the attic, spending one night of Hanukkah with friends.

Along with the glitz and magic, however, comes the reality that holidays are hard on everyone, divorced or not. I remember my father, a psychiatrist, being called away in the middle of many a Christmas dinner to tend to a patient’s suicide attempt or depression. He told me once that everyone “goes the most crazy” during the holidays.

Holidays are stressful for obvious reasons–so much to do while still managing our daily responsibilities and jobs. The shopping, the wrapping, planning meals, house guests, figuring out what to do with your children for 18 days straight. And let’s not forget the personalities—dealing with your in-laws, your parents and other relatives over holiday dinners. The mix of it all, combined with any losses in our life which become more pronounced this time of year, are surely what account for the craziness my father describes.

When divorce is added to the mix, there’s a whole new dimension of stress. Particularly the first few years, the holidays can be a heartbreaking time. Too much tradition, too many memories, too many arguments about who gets the kids, and too many days alone for each parent while the children switch homes for the custody share.

I wish I had some formula for making it easier. The best I can do is provide some holiday tips, accumulated from years of observation. None of these tips will take away the sadness people feel those first few holiday seasons after divorce, but hopefully with a little planning and just by knowing what to expect, you’ll make it through the holiday blues.

TIP #1
(Everyone hates this first tip, but I have to say it because it’s a big deal for kids. If you can pull it off, you’ll feel good too.): If (and only if) it is possible to be in the same room with your ex-spouse without fighting, arrange for all of you to spend some holiday time together as a family–even just a few hours–to keep a family tradition going. For example, spend the last night of Hanukkah together, or go to a holiday parade, or attend a holiday service if you used to do this as a family, or spend Christmas Eve or Christmas morning together so both of you can watch your children unwrap their gifts.

Again, if you and your spouse cannot be civil to one another, disregard this tip and divide up the holiday time instead. No judgment here if you can’t be together—I know sometimes the pain or animosity is just too great, particularly when the divorce is fresh.

TIP #2
If you are going to have the kids for the holiday, without your ex, consider doing something completely different than what you’ve done in the past—at least for the first year or two. The absence of the other parent is much more pronounced when you are doing the same traditions you did as a family, so you’re better off trying something new. For example, if you get your children for half the school break (as many parents do in the joint custody situation), plan a trip away. Go to the snow, go skiing, take an inexpensive cruise to a warm climate, go visit their cousins, go anywhere you can afford to take your kids.

The first year my parents were separated, my mother took us on a budget cruise to Mexico that left the day after Christmas and ran through New Years. My mother told me years later that she was grieving the entire trip, but my brother and sisters and I had a great time and it took our mind off the divorce. My mother said that our good spirits made it easier for her to make it through the first holiday season separated.

TIP #3
Create a new tradition for the future. For example, if you used to spend Thanksgiving at home, maybe it’s time to start a new tradition of spending Thanksgiving with close family friends. Another example is something my childhood neighbors did for about a decade–they hosted a Christmas open house from noon to 3 each year. This filled their house with holiday spirit, and I always thought this would be a great holiday tradition to begin. Another friend I know has started a tradition of hosting a Hanukkah party the last night of Hanukkah. My family does old-fashioned caroling around the block with neighbors, ending back at our house for hot chocolate. These are just some ideas, maybe not exactly right for you, but the idea is to start some new tradition, either on your own or with your children, that will replace an old one.

TIP #4
If you are going to be alone for a holiday or part of the holiday break (i.e., it’s your ex’s turn to have the kids for Thanksgiving and for half the winter break), this is the time to call on your friends. Do some advance planning so that you aren’t sitting home depressed while your children are away. Plan where you will spend the actual holiday–preferably with a best friend or extended family. Line up things to do with your time throughout the week–things you enjoy, such as going to a movie and dinner with a friend, reading a favorite book, getting a pedicure, getting tickets to a sports event, going skiing, hosting a poker night with your buddies, whatever it is that makes you feel good.

Plan to talk on the phone or in person with a close friend each day so that you can share your emotional ups and downs with someone. Go out of town to visit family or a friend if you think you will get depressed being home.

TIP #5
Not really a tip, but essential to know: All the action items listed above are to keep yourself from falling into depression and to make the holidays easier for your children. Equally important is that you reserve some time to be alone and to grieve, to accept your sadness and sit with it. My clients have told me that the dark nights of the soul they experienced during the holidays were often, in retrospect, when they learned the most about themselves and made an emotional leap forward. Somehow, the grieving emotionally cleared the way and made it possible for them to move forward in the New Year with renewed optimism and hope. In my own life, it was in times of great sorrow that I gained a deeper sense of spirit in my life. You won’t find this tip in most holiday lists, because it isn’t fun or catchy, but do set aside time and space to process your grief over the holidays, in the same way you are making plans to keep busy. This tip will make the most difference in what you get out of this holiday season, when it really comes down to it.

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Sabbatical

By Alison Patton | Published: June 20, 2011

The Divorce Doc will be taking a sabbatical! Yes, after a wonderful year and a half of blogging and writing, I am taking a leave to spend time with my family and to travel.

I will be out of the country for part of the time, so please forgive any delayed response to emails and comments. I look forward to getting back to business in the Fall and will begin posting again in time for the holidays. Enjoy the summer!

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