The Divorce Doc will be taking a sabbatical! Yes, after a wonderful year and a half of blogging and writing, I am taking a leave to spend time with my family and to travel.
I will be out of the country for part of the time, so please forgive any delayed response to emails and comments. I look forward to getting back to business in the Fall and will begin posting again in time for the holidays. Enjoy the summer!
(As originally published on Huffington Post Divorce, May 23, 2011)
After years of handling divorces, I thought nothing could shock me. And then a client told me about Ashley Madison, the website for “The discreet who want to cheat.” Their slogans are: “Life is short, have an affair,” and “When divorce is not an option, isn’t it time for AshleyMadison.com?” One of their websites has a flashing button you click to “Get laid now.”
I’m evidently out of touch, because a lot of people know about this website–including 7.8 million members who pay a fee to cheat on their spouse.
My client learned about Ashley Madison the hard way. She was home with three young kids while her husband was surfing Ashley Madison at work. He connected with a married woman and the rest is predictable. They exchanged emails and texts, had sex for the first time in the back seat of a car. It went on to become a full-blown affair, and at one point the lovers even went to my client’s home and had sex in her bed while she and the kids were out of town.
No surprise, my client left her cheating husband. The “other woman” is in the midst of a divorce herself. Their cover was blown when the other woman’s husband found the emails and called my client to tell all.
Affairs are as old as time, so why did this client’s story bother me so much? The shocker for me is an entire website created just for the purpose of cheating. It calls into question the American concept of marriage, which leads to other questions I will raise at the risk of offending many:
• Is monogamy a reasonable expectation in marriage?
• Is monogamy the main reason marriages fail?
• What would happen to marriage (and the divorce rate) if monogamy were no longer required?
I never thought I’d say this, but I am starting to think that monogamy causes a lot more problems than it’s worth.
As someone who has been monogamously married for 13 years, I don’t have personal insight into cheating. But as a divorce lawyer who’s been privy to intimate details of married life, I have a lot of thoughts on the subject.
Certainly, there are cheating spouses out there who weren’t good at marriage at all, and the affair was merely the final straw. But I’ve also seen married men (and women) who loved their spouse, loved their kids, wanted to remain a family, but the deal-breaker was they just couldn’t envision having sex with the same person “until death do us part.”
The idea that monogamy is natural is absurd. We know that past civilizations–and countries throughout the world today–don’t share our American concept of monogamy. We, as Americans, hold onto this cultural norm even thought the institution of marriage was created at a time when most of the population died around 30. This idea of living and mating with the same person for life does seem to be causing us a lot more trouble now that marriages are expected to last 40, 50, 60 years. We even have a term for it now–the “gray divorce”–which is quite common these days as retirement-age couples split after decades of marriage.
Giving further fuel to the debate is the recent finding that only one creature in the animal kingdom is 100% monogamous for life– the Schistosoma mansonii, a parasitic worm that lives in the human body and engages in lifelong copulation with its mate. The other eight animals we used to think were strictly monogamous–wolves, vultures and some birds–are failing the test. Using sophisticated techniques to monitor these animals, scientists have discovered that even these loyal creatures “cheat” in certain situations, such as when their mate can’t perform.
And then there’s the biological difference between men and women as they age. Women’s sex drive typically drops as women move toward menopause, while men’s libido usually declines at a slower rate. I recall my divorced mother wearing a button in her mid-forties that said, “So many men, so little time.” About a decade later, she told me she and her girlfriends had decided to change their buttons to: “So many restaurants, so little time.”
In my own community, we have a pragmatic OB/GYN who is “famous” for sitting down with his female patients at their 50-year annual exam for “the talk.” Although I’m not yet 50 (and so haven’t been privy to this talk), I’ve been told it goes like this:
“Testosterone is what determines sex drive. At age 50, a woman’s testosterone level is, let’s say, about “90.” Your husband, at the same age, will probably have a level of about “600.” So you see the problem. To stay happily married, here’s what I suggest: go home and tell your husband what we discussed. Tell him that whenever he wants to have sex, you are willing. Often it won’t be for your pleasure and that’s ok because you’re doing it for him, in the same way you would make him a meal if he were hungry. And he is welcome to make it end as fast as he wants. And then, maybe once every few weeks when you feel like true intimacy, you make it a romantic event and on this occasion it will be for both of you.”
(Supposedly the best part of “the talk” is at the end, when the good doctor concludes with a success story to drive his point home. He references a patient of his who has had this arrangement with her husband for many years now, and they have taken it to a whole new level of cooperation—the wife gets to read during the serviceable acts!)
Accounts like this make me laugh while at the same time making me think. If keeping a marriage together boils down to this kind of arrangement, perhaps monogamy is indeed a troublesome thing—unnatural at best, and a marriage-wrecker at worst.
At the moment I reach this conclusion, I then think of my own marriage. I can’t imagine it being the same if I and my spouse—even with each other’s blessing—were to be out there satisfying our sexual urges with other partners. The biological facts may convince my head, but my heart is a whole other arena. Jealousy, possessiveness, security and trust are real human emotions and needs which, for most people, cannot be kept in their proper place without monogamy.
The best information I’ve found in favor of monogamy comes from Shirley P. Glass, a psychologist who studied marital infidelity. Ms. Glass’ research showed that fidelity is entirely possible in marriage and that people are in control of what happens in their relationships. The whole idea of “I wasn’t looking for love outside my marriage, but it just happened” is a complete fallacy.
In her book Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert sums up Ms. Glass’ findings like this:
“Though the human heart may indeed be shot through with bottomless desire, and while the world may well be full of alluring creatures and other delicious options, it seems one truly can make clear-eyed choices that limit and manage the risk of infatuation.”
Perhaps this is why I can’t approve of a website like Ashley Madison, even knowing the logical arguments against monogamy. If fidelity is entirely possible, as Glass concluded, couples don’t need this temptation. Ashley Madison feels too much like a beer-selling stand at the exit of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Fundamentally, because I’ve seen too many spouses and children emotionally devastated by an extramarital affair, I still believe in starting a divorce with dignity and maturity. My advice remains the same, whether I believe in monogamy or not: If you are going to leave your marriage, get out first and then turn to Match.com. Leave Ashley Madison out of it. If a parasitic worm can resist temptation, so can you.
Starting your divorce? In the middle of your divorce and need a little inspiration? Click here to read this article about life after divorce and how your actions now will help you build your future.
This is a video of a homeless man in Santa Barbara and his pets. They work State Street every week for donations. The animals are pretty well fed and are mellow.
The man rigged a harness up for his cat so she wouldn’t have to walk so much. At some juncture the rat came along, and as no one wanted to eat anyone else, the rat started riding with the cat and, often, on the cat! The dog will stand all day and let you talk to him and admire him for a few chin scratches.
The Mayor of Santa Barbara filmed this clip and sent it out as a holiday card. It made me smile and the message of peace is inspiring. Kids love this video too. Hope it lightens your day.
I remember Marianne Williamson once saying that when she prayed for a more spiritual life, it came . . . in a series of tests and struggles. Well, I’ve had my own ironic moment just recently. In my post last month on Forgiveness (click here to read full article), I wrote about my personal experience of forgiving someone who had hurt and betrayed me. I talked about how powerful it was to forgive, how it brought me great peace, and so I am a big believer in striving for forgiveness even in the worst of situations. After a post like this, of course, the universe had to humble me a bit.
About a week later, this person I wrote about came back into my life and in the matter of a short phone call, did an incredible emotional dump that set me back in time. I spent the first 30 minutes being shocked—I thought I was over all this. Then I spent an evening being incredibly angry. Then the next day and the next, I was overcome with anger, resentment and grief. My entire history with this person started to run through my mind, like an old movie reel that I thought had been filed away in some dusty corner and yet there it was, playing front and center.
So I did what all women do—I called one of my closest friends. She listened, she let me cry and vent, we talked about it for a long while. Then finally we were laughing at the absurdity of it all. And after the call and some more soul searching, I was able to start seeing once again the truth of this person’s life, how he has hurt and alienated so many people around him, how his actions have never been personal or about me, and finally I began to pray to get back to that place of forgiveness.
Now, I must admit, I don’t pray very much. I’m not a religious person. I don’t go to church and I don’t belong to any religious denomination. The crux of my spiritual identity, if I had to describe it, is that I feel a connection to humanity and I try to live my life according to the principles of spiritual leaders I admire (leaders like Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Nelson Mandela). So for me to actually pray, it means I’m really in crisis.
But pray I did, because I didn’t quite know what else to do and no way did I want to go back to that state of resentment where I had lived for so long. During that time of my life, when I was caught up in anger and resentment, it felt like a dark cloud was hanging over my head and I could not get out of the spiritual slump I had fallen into. In the words of Nelson Mandela, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
Whether it was my prayers or the emotional processing, I’ll never know, but the resentment this time passed quickly. Already, just a few weeks later, I feel like I’m almost back to that place of forgiveness and peace, and the charge is fading around this person and his latest slight.
I think the lesson for me is that resentment and anger are a lot like grief. These emotions come in waves and sometimes hit you when you least expect it. When you’ve first been wounded or suffered a loss, these emotions can be consuming and take a long time to recover from—many years, in my experience. Once you’ve progressed to a certain point of healing, however, they will never consume you in the same way. Grief, resentment and anger can all cycle back, but the work you’ve done to let go and move on is not lost, even if you are momentarily set back.
I’ve also learned from this experience that forgiveness is something I have to keep re-committing to. It’s an on-going process for me because the person who wounded me is still a peripheral part of my life. The reassuring lesson, however, is that I have the power to return to that state of inner peace so long as I have the willingness to forgive again and again. That’s a wonderful revelation I would not have known otherwise.
(As originally published on Huffington Post Divorce, March 2, 2011 Headline Article by Alison Patton)
Charlie Sheen keeps telling us he’s special, but is he really that unique? We’ve read volumes about the king of custody battles, Alec Baldwin. We’ve followed the ranting of Mel Gibson, most recently from recorded tapes leaked by his ex-girlfriend during their child support battle.
And now we have Charlie Sheen’s grandiose statements as he fights with CBS executives over his sitcom, Two and a Half Men. As CBS takes steps to “divorce” Sheen from his TV role, Sheen is quoted as saying: “[We're] definitely at war. The war is that they are trying to destroy my family, trying to take all my money, leaving me with no means to support my family.”
Sound familiar? Divorce court is packed with people just like this, which we call in the biz: “High-Conflict People” (HCPs). If you were married to one, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
HCPs can be charming, gregarious; they can present quite well and seem normal, even pleasant at first. That’s probably why you married this person. It often takes quite a while to figure out who they are.
I was given this list by Bill Eddy, a legal specialist who runs the High Conflict Institute and counsels people on HCPs:
The High Conflict Personality Pattern
1. Rigid and uncompromising, repeating failed strategies
2. Unable to accept or heal from a loss
3. Negative emotions dominate their thinking
4. Unable to reflect on their own behavior
5. Difficulty empathizing with others
6. Preoccupied with blaming others
7. Avoid any responsibility for the problem or the solution
Other common traits of high-conflict people:
• HCPs have extreme emotions and behaviors and often claim they are being victimized by others.
• They create conflict in most, if not all, relationships in their lives–with their spouses, children, neighbors, in the workplace, and sometimes even with strangers.
• Although HCPs do not necessarily enjoy the conflict, they stay connected to people through conflict. They create conflict because in their unconscious, twisted way, that’s how they maintain the relationship.
• Because it is not a conscious process, HCPs don’t see their own behavior. If you confront them on their behavior (for example, say to them “you’re bad-mouthing me to the kids”), they will deny it vehemently and then attack you personally.
If this sounds like your spouse and what you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. HCPs abuse and confuse the entire legal system—the judges, lawyers, mediators and sometimes even the therapists. HCPs can be the perpetrators of the conflict, but will scream bloody murder that their spouse is causing all the trouble.
Here’s how Eddy describes this pattern: In divorce, HCPs become focused on their spouse as the cause of everything that has gone wrong–their spouse is their “target of blame.” HCPs will make convincing accusations against their spouse which the divorce court and lawyers must take seriously: child neglect, sexual molestation, substance abuse, hiding money, stealing assets, interfering with custody time, and so on.
In some cases, the high-conflict person is a blatant liar. In other cases, he/she is paranoid and has a distorted perception of reality — in other words, some HCPs believe their own lies and false reality, which makes them even more convincing to the judges and lawyers trying to ferret out the truth.
HCPs can seem so sincere that it usually takes months or even years before the judge and other legal professionals can identify the personality disorder. The pattern of lies and distortions eventually comes to light, but at a very high personal and financial cost to the honest spouse and the children.
Even a short marriage can turn into years in divorce court when a HCP is on the other side. Eddy has seen 2-year marriages that were litigated for 8 years. HCPs will go back to court over every imaginable conflict they can create. Once the actual divorce is over, HCPs create more conflict over custody and support issues.
Eddy believes that as much as 20% of people getting divorced are HCPs, while others in the field believe the number is as high as 30% — for the simple reason that HCPs undermine all their relationships, repeat their patterns and end up divorcing one or more times.
There are psychological terms for HCPs, such as narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. However, Eddy said many people in our society have some traits of one of these disorders but not the full-blown disorder. This means that many people in divorce court engage in some of these same destructive behaviors, but it is even harder to nail them down to a full psychological diagnosis and profile.
So what can you do if you’re on the other side of a case with a HCP? Interestingly, the tricks for managing a HCP are the same, whether you’re CBS, Kim Basinger, or the average person dealing with an ex-spouse. You can’t change the HCP or how he/she thinks and behaves. “Trying to argue logic with a HCP will frustrate you and only make it worse,” said Eddy. The trick is to learn practical skills for how to communicate and respond to HCPs, both inside and outside the courtroom.
Eddy’s website provides written materials and resources to help you build a legal case so you can expose the HCP early on. Eddy also has tips to help you in your daily interactions with a HCP, such as how to respond to hostile emails, how to set limits, and how to communicate with him/her in a way that makes clear the consequences to his/her behavior. Being a social worker as well as an attorney, Eddy also talks about developing empathy for the HCP in your life. Eddy doesn’t see HCPs as bad people. He said they cause as much or more distress to themselves as they do to others.
It would behoove CBS and their lawyers to take a page from Bill Eddy and divorce court if they hope to get through this mess with Charlie Sheen. They have no idea what they’re in for.
A heated debate took place last month on Huffington Post. The subject was forgiveness of your ex after divorce. Blogger Erica Manfred claimed that “moving on” is all that’s necessary and you don’t have to forgive your ex. Her arguments are well-written and persuasive, but I disagree with her opinion and decided to interview an expert on forgiveness. I posted the expert’s perspective, as well as my own, in my post today for Huffington Post Divorce. For the full article (as well as the link to Manfred’s article), click on this hyperlink. If you find the topic interesting and would like to share your own perspective, post a comment on HuffPost Divorce when you reach the end of my article.
A very nice thing has happened–I’ve been accepted as a blogger for Huffington Post Divorce section. So now you can find my work on Lemonade Divorce and also on Huffington Post (called “HuffPost Divorce” for short). I will regularly post links here, on Lemonade Divorce, to my Huffpost Divorce articles so they are easy to access.
If you’d like to sign up to receive new posts and articles as they come out, scroll down to the bottom of this home page and click under “RSS Links.” This will notify you anytime I add posts or material to Lemonade Divorce (including links to my newest HuffPost articles). If you want to receive just my HuffPost articles, you can sign up for the RSS feed or email alerts on my Bio page at HuffPost Divorce.
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• Chinese-Parenting–Divorce Style (ran January 21, 2011)
• The 12 Steps for Divorce (ran January 26, 2011)
I’m a big believer in New Year’s resolutions. Every January, my friend Lorraine and I spend a day together making our list of what we’d like to see happen in the new year. We pull out last year’s resolutions, check items off, carry forward what isn’t complete, and add to the list for the year ahead. There is something very powerful about writing down intentions and discussing them with someone who knows you well, which is why I think this system has worked all these years for both of us.
During our annual pow-wow this year, “Mother Teresa” came up—not the real one, but my own mother whose name happens to be Teresa. (We call her this when we’re quoting one of her truisms.) I said to my friend, “Don’t you remember what Mother Teresa always says? ‘Ask yourself, what do you want…and then ask yourself, what do you really want?’”
I’ve heard this sentence throughout my life, for issues big and small. In fact, most recently when I was wavering about my diet, my mother reminded me, “What you want is to have that junk food—but what you really want is to feel good about your body.” The moral, of course, is to ask that second question, and therein lies the answer to your dilemma.
I try not to give simplistic advice in my blog, because divorce and how to manage it are anything but simplistic, but I do think this exercise is valuable. I encourage you to pose this question to yourself, not just flippantly but quite seriously—and then discuss your answers with a friend. The question to ask is: What do you really want from your divorce, both now and in the years to come?
If you’re the one who was left, it’s normal to “want revenge,” or “a huge settlement,” or “for him (or her) to know how much he (or she) has hurt me and the kids.”
But digging a little deeper, what most people really want is “to stop feeling so angry,” “to be happy again,” “to be okay financially,” and “to have my kids be all right.”
By defining what really matters to you and putting it down on paper, you will have something to refer to as your divorce plays out. Review your list frequently–even daily. And then each time you have to make a decision related to your divorce case or the co-parenting, ask yourself, “What decision will further these goals?”
In divorce, as in all of life, figuring out what you really want and making the choices that lead you there isn’t always instantly gratifying. But, in my experience, the clients who did it this way are the ones with the least regrets.
For information or consultation,
Alison can be reached at:
(858) 551-2608
or by email:
alison@lemonadedivorce.com
Surviving the Holidays
photo by Theresa Thompson
(This blog post ran in 2010. I’m posting it again this holiday season due to positive feedback from readers last year. If this is your first holiday season separated/ divorced, don’t lose heart. You can do it! Read on!)
The child in me will always love the holidays. I take such pleasure in traditions–hanging our outdoor lights, getting the tree, retrieving the Christmas boxes from the attic, spending one night of Hanukkah with friends.
Along with the glitz and magic, however, comes the reality that holidays are hard on everyone, divorced or not. I remember my father, a psychiatrist, being called away in the middle of many a Christmas dinner to tend to a patient’s suicide attempt or depression. He told me once that everyone “goes the most crazy” during the holidays.
Holidays are stressful for obvious reasons–so much to do while still managing our daily responsibilities and jobs. The shopping, the wrapping, planning meals, house guests, figuring out what to do with your children for 18 days straight. And let’s not forget the personalities—dealing with your in-laws, your parents and other relatives over holiday dinners. The mix of it all, combined with any losses in our life which become more pronounced this time of year, are surely what account for the craziness my father describes.
When divorce is added to the mix, there’s a whole new dimension of stress. Particularly the first few years, the holidays can be a heartbreaking time. Too much tradition, too many memories, too many arguments about who gets the kids, and too many days alone for each parent while the children switch homes for the custody share.
I wish I had some formula for making it easier. The best I can do is provide some holiday tips, accumulated from years of observation. None of these tips will take away the sadness people feel those first few holiday seasons after divorce, but hopefully with a little planning and just by knowing what to expect, you’ll make it through the holiday blues.
TIP #1
(Everyone hates this first tip, but I have to say it because it’s a big deal for kids. If you can pull it off, you’ll feel good too.): If (and only if) it is possible to be in the same room with your ex-spouse without fighting, arrange for all of you to spend some holiday time together as a family–even just a few hours–to keep a family tradition going. For example, spend the last night of Hanukkah together, or go to a holiday parade, or attend a holiday service if you used to do this as a family, or spend Christmas Eve or Christmas morning together so both of you can watch your children unwrap their gifts.
Again, if you and your spouse cannot be civil to one another, disregard this tip and divide up the holiday time instead. No judgment here if you can’t be together—I know sometimes the pain or animosity is just too great, particularly when the divorce is fresh.
TIP #2
If you are going to have the kids for the holiday, without your ex, consider doing something completely different than what you’ve done in the past—at least for the first year or two. The absence of the other parent is much more pronounced when you are doing the same traditions you did as a family, so you’re better off trying something new. For example, if you get your children for half the school break (as many parents do in the joint custody situation), plan a trip away. Go to the snow, go skiing, take an inexpensive cruise to a warm climate, go visit their cousins, go anywhere you can afford to take your kids.
The first year my parents were separated, my mother took us on a budget cruise to Mexico that left the day after Christmas and ran through New Years. My mother told me years later that she was grieving the entire trip, but my brother and sisters and I had a great time and it took our mind off the divorce. My mother said that our good spirits made it easier for her to make it through the first holiday season separated.
TIP #3
Create a new tradition for the future. For example, if you used to spend Thanksgiving at home, maybe it’s time to start a new tradition of spending Thanksgiving with close family friends. Another example is something my childhood neighbors did for about a decade–they hosted a Christmas open house from noon to 3 each year. This filled their house with holiday spirit, and I always thought this would be a great holiday tradition to begin. Another friend I know has started a tradition of hosting a Hanukkah party the last night of Hanukkah. My family does old-fashioned caroling around the block with neighbors, ending back at our house for hot chocolate. These are just some ideas, maybe not exactly right for you, but the idea is to start some new tradition, either on your own or with your children, that will replace an old one.
TIP #4
If you are going to be alone for a holiday or part of the holiday break (i.e., it’s your ex’s turn to have the kids for Thanksgiving and for half the winter break), this is the time to call on your friends. Do some advance planning so that you aren’t sitting home depressed while your children are away. Plan where you will spend the actual holiday–preferably with a best friend or extended family. Line up things to do with your time throughout the week–things you enjoy, such as going to a movie and dinner with a friend, reading a favorite book, getting a pedicure, getting tickets to a sports event, going skiing, hosting a poker night with your buddies, whatever it is that makes you feel good.
Plan to talk on the phone or in person with a close friend each day so that you can share your emotional ups and downs with someone. Go out of town to visit family or a friend if you think you will get depressed being home.
TIP #5
Not really a tip, but essential to know: All the action items listed above are to keep yourself from falling into depression and to make the holidays easier for your children. Equally important is that you reserve some time to be alone and to grieve, to accept your sadness and sit with it. My clients have told me that the dark nights of the soul they experienced during the holidays were often, in retrospect, when they learned the most about themselves and made an emotional leap forward. Somehow, the grieving emotionally cleared the way and made it possible for them to move forward in the New Year with renewed optimism and hope. In my own life, it was in times of great sorrow that I gained a deeper sense of spirit in my life. You won’t find this tip in most holiday lists, because it isn’t fun or catchy, but do set aside time and space to process your grief over the holidays, in the same way you are making plans to keep busy. This tip will make the most difference in what you get out of this holiday season, when it really comes down to it.