Comments on: A Poem for My Father

By: apatton

apatton — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 21:04:00 +0000

Hi Smith267, thank you for commenting and I will do my best to respond.
My parents divorced when I was 17 and they had a friendly divorce where my all my siblings and I were able to spend time with each of them as much as we wanted. (I wrote an article on Huffpost about my parents, called “Sucking it Up for the Kids” which will give you an idea of what my parent’s divorce was like.)
My dad wasn’t an Uncle Dad, and my article about Uncle Dads stems from observing this pattern in certain cases throughout many years of practicing family law. However, I do understand your point, which is that some mothers try to alienate the father and can minimize visitation time as a result. I have seen that as well. The Uncle Dad, however, is a different phenomenon. This is when a father has significant custody time and isn’t able to step up to the plate as a responsible father because of self-absorption, immaturity and often narcissistic tendencies. Yes, there are definitely mothers who have other patterns, and actually part of my work as a mediator involves discussions with traditional mothers who are struggling with those feelings of “ownership” related to the children because they were the stay-home spouse. And I have a number of stay-home fathers in mediation who have the same struggle during divorce. Part of the mediation process is helping couples talk about and come to recognize the importance of two parents being involved in the children’s lives. A lot of my clients resolve their cases with some form of shared custody, which can work well when both parents are mature and truly involved with the kids. I get the sense you’re dealing with a BPD in your divorce, based on your two comments on my blog. That’s got to be very very difficult, and explains a lot why you are feeling the way you’re feeling. That personality does tend to claim “ownership” of the children and plays the martyr and undermines the co-parenting process.

By: Smith267

Smith267 — Wed, 21 Jun 2017 14:39:00 +0000

I found this poem while looking to comment on your “Uncle Dad” article and saw a similar thread here. What if Uncle Dads are the way they are because they have been pushed to the side in their children’s lives and that’s best way for them to cope? What if they feel they need to focus on fun with their children, instead of responsibilities because they only have minimal visitation? You talk about how as a child you thought your father didn’t care, because he only had minimal visits, but what if he was fighting behind the scenes to get more time and was thwarted by your mother at every turn? I’m not saying that this happened in your case, but I think sometimes Uncle Dads become Uncle Dads because divorced moms work hard to make them a secondary parent. Please write an article about divorced moms who insist on “winning” and showing themselves to be the only parent after divorce. I think that’s just as common as Uncle Dads, but perhaps less obvious because many of these mothers also present themselves as the martyr who has to do everything because they are divorced.

By: Alison Patton

Alison Patton — Fri, 20 Feb 2015 01:35:48 +0000

Thank you for the unexpected compliment!
One of my favorite skits on Saturday Night Live was “Bad Ballet.” A dancer would execute some fake ballet moves and the ballet master would say admiringly, “Oh, now that is very very bad.” I’m waiting for someone to say that about my poetry. LOL

By: Teresa

Teresa — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 03:06:00 +0000

Beautiful poem Alison! Thank you so much for sharing it with us.